Viva global domination and afternoon naps
SOUTH Africans who tuned into the Breakfast Club on SABC 2 last Tuesday in the hopes of being entertained or educated would instead have been treated to the painful sight of fellow Sunday Times columnist Zakes Mda and I attempting to do press-ups in the company of three very fit gym instructors.
I managed about four and had blurred vision and palpitations for the rest of the day. Zakes appeared to do rather better. But since my colleague could be described as being a "circumferencially challenged" person, I am not convinced that his stomach ever left the floor even though his back was seen to be moving.
Anyway, as I explained on the programme, Zakes and I are creative artists and can't be expected to be athletic into the bargain. He does at least have the excuse that as a television critic he has to sit in an armchair all day watching the box and scribbling notes for his column.
This was my second appearance on the show in a week which means one of two things. Either the SABC is thinking of turning me into a serial or all the real celebrities are out of town this month. I have a nasty feeling it is the latter. I also managed to get onto Nigel Murphy's radio programme a few weeks back and, as discerning Cape listeners may know, I do a regular slot for Kfm on a Friday morning.
Maybe it is the prospect of finally being in a position to demand an upgrade on SAA, but this sudden media exposure has gone completely to my head. As a result I am going to form a new political party this year just so that I can keep appearing on television like all the other politicians. I have decided to call it the Siesta Party. Central to the party's beliefs (apart from world domination) is that the entire country should close down for a sleep between 2:30 and four every afternoon. If you've ever watched the television relays from Parliament, you'll know that this policy has already been endorsed by the ANC.
The party also plans to divide the country into different time zones and give each province a separate currency. This will stimulate internal trade and will enable us to make a comparative study of how economically viable each province is. Provinces that don't turn a profit will be unbundled and offered for tender to the highest bidder. This could mean, for example, that Mpumalanga gets sold to the Malaysians (if it hasn't already been) who will be able to enjoy a much healthier, smog-free environment than they do back home. The party will throw its weight, and the taxpayers' money, behind the bid for the next winter Olympics with Ogies as the preferred location.
As far as medical health is concerned, the Siesta Party acknowledges that it will be difficult to undo the damage that four years of ANC meddling has inflicted on the country and so we will wash our hands entirely of any obligation to provide even basic health care. Instead, we will introduce a sickness tax to deter the public from becoming ill. Education is another minefield where the party will wish to avoid any responsibility so we will simply continue with the ANC's policies.
A new commission called the Lies and Blame Commission will be set up with a brief to investigate all the sanctimonious twaddle that has been peddled as part of the healing process over the past few years. As no amnesty will be available due to the current world shortage of that particular commodity, the whole point of the commission will be to see who can accumulate the most air miles. The winner becomes archbishop.
Finally, the party will give full consideration to land rights on an equitable basis. Every time you buy a box of the new, nutritious breakfast cereal Siesta Flaky Corn, you will have the chance to win a land reclamation token. Just collect five of these tokens and you could be well on your way to the Free State farm of your dreams. Unfortunately, the competition is not open to anyone who is not a member of the Siesta Party.